Practical Support for Those Who Grieve
We may instinctively know that supporting someone through grief requires patience, presence, and the understanding that everyone grieves differently.
As neuroscientists study why this is true, their discoveries help us understand what happens in the grieving brain. At its heart, they tell us, it’s a complex learning process. Our brain builds virtual reality maps of our personal world, and this includes maps of where our loved ones are (those with whom we have attachment bonds) and who they are to us (the nature of those bonds). When we experience loss, we have to learn to navigate our new world with an old map—and to do it without that loved one, who would otherwise have been a key part of our support network. There’s no specific timeline for this learning process, and the stress it places on our brain affects our ability to handle other daily stresses. And it does so differently for different people.
It’s inevitable that, at some point, we’ll all encounter friends and community members experiencing loss—and will experience loss ourselves. In light of this, we can all use some practical approaches to supporting people as they grieve.
General Support for Adults
Be present without trying to “fix” their grief. Sometimes the most helpful thing is simply sitting with someone in their sadness. Avoid such platitudes as “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re no longer suffering”; these often feel dismissive even when well-intended.
Rather than saying “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific help: “I’m bringing dinner Sunday” or “Can I pick up groceries for you this week?” Grieving people often can’t identify what they need, or they may feel too overwhelmed to ask.
Remember important dates such as anniversaries, birthdays or holidays. Reach out on these difficult days; your acknowledgment shows you remember their loved one and recognize the bereaved person’s ongoing pain. If you have good memories about the person they’ve lost, share them. Don’t be afraid that mentioning their name will cause pain or somehow encourage your friend to wallow.
Listen more than you speak. Let them share memories, express difficult emotions or sit in silence. Follow their lead about whether they want to talk about their loss or would rather have a distraction. If you’ve experienced grief, say so briefly and only when your experience supports and normalizes theirs. Recognize that there will be differences. Don’t use your experience to contrast with theirs or advise them on how to get through it.
Supporting Children Through Grief
Use clear, honest language that’s appropriate for their age. Avoid such euphemisms as “They went to sleep forever” or “They passed away,” which can create confusion or new fears. Young children need concrete explanations they can understand. Give them a chance to ask clarifying questions. This will help you decide how much they’re ready to understand.
Maintain routines as much as possible while being flexible when grief overwhelms them. It’s true that structure can give them security during an otherwise unstable time, but don’t exclude them from family time or closure rituals, including funerals. They may need extra patience with behaviors or emotions, but it’s good for them to see adults modeling mourning practices. It can also be encouraging for adults who are mourning to be around children.
Encourage their expression of grief through art, play or storytelling when words feel too hard. Children often process grief differently than adults and may seem unaware of their loss at one moment but devastated the next.
Answer their questions honestly, even when they’re difficult, and provide reassurance about their safety and care. It’s okay to say “I don’t know” to some questions about death and what happens after life.
Considerations for Everyone
It’s worth reiterating that grief doesn’t follow a timeline or stages. Even after someone seems fine, they may have difficult days, perhaps months or years later. Check in long after others may have moved on, and keep in mind that even the most resilient people will be affected in permanent ways by the life changes caused by the loss. The growth that occurs after trauma and loss doesn’t negate the pain.
Take care of your own emotional needs too. Supporting someone through grief can be emotionally draining, and you’ll be more helpful if you’re managing your own stress and seeking support when needed.